Confessions of a Convenience Parent

There, I said it. I am a convenience parent.

If you've ever heard this term before, it refers to parents who didn't really expect much to change when they had children. That assumed kids would fit neatly into their lives instead of the other way around and would go to great lengths to keep it that way. Here's the problem with this type of convenience parent- most importantly, of course, it's detrimental to the child. But secondly, those that employ techniques like cry-it-out (CIO) to get baby to sleep better and longer are actually creating more work for themselves. It's not so convenient when CIO doesn't work. I've heard of some CIO programs that actually encourage parents to abandon their instincts. Like if baby is crying in the next room, ignore the fact that it's very upsetting for a mother to hear a baby wailing! I don't know about you, but I would not be able to sleep at all knowing my child was crying in the next room.

However, I am still a convenience parent. I discovered somewhere in my 9 years as a parent that going against the grain of a child's basic innate temperament is an exercise in futility. Take my first child Hunter, for example. He had no issue sleeping in the bassinet beside our bed. Later, I could rock him to sleep and he would sleep in his crib all night long. At three months old. This is what is known as getting lucky. Sadly, when my daughter Jules arrived, I assumed she would do the same. Ha! Julianna wanted nothing to DO with the bassinet or the crib. She wanted to sleep on me. Now, if I had just LET HER, I would have established appropriate convenience parenting right there. But noooooo. I had to fight it. I would rock her for HOURS. I would ever so gently lay her in the crib then slowly remove my arms from her body, holding my breath the whole time. Without fail, seconds later, she would scream and I would have to repeat this process. No wonder I found parenting her difficult and frustrating! It was truly a case of evolutionary mismatch. This article about why young children protest bedtime from Psychology Today, explains it extraordinarily well.

By the time we got to Dylan, he was my fourth baby. I was ready to pull out convenience parenting my way with full steam. He didn't want to sleep in the co-sleeper. Fine, he spent his first 6 months touching me most of the time. One hour a day he spent in the baby swing. The rest of the time I wore him, snuggled next to him in bed at night, or held him. Once in a while towards the end of the first six months, he'd play on the floor, as long as I was within his view. We breastfeed. Breastfeeding is difficult the first 6-8 weeks, I will grant you that. But once you get it down it's a piece of cake, convenience parenting at its finest. I didn't have to make or wash bottles ever, especially not in the middle of the night. I didn't even get out of bed to feed him, since he was sleeping right beside me. I had side-lying nursing perfected by the time he was 10 weeks old, so I didn't even have to sit up to nurse him. Here's a youtube video guide. And when we started solids, I did a few homemade purees, but after that, he ate pretty much what we ate, except dairy free due to allergies. Very, very convenient.

So, my advice to first time parents? Quit going against nature! Just because Babies R Us says the baby must sleep in a crib doesn't mean baby WILL sleep in a crib. Just because the baby swing was a Godsend for your friend's baby, doesn't mean it will be for yours. Don't always be looking for some gadget to entertain or hold your baby for you. Again, going against nature. Your baby spent 9 months inside you. In fact he or she would still be there, but the human head grows too large to fit out after 9 months gestation and a woman's body expels the baby at that point. So all babies, are, in effect, premature. They need you. All you gotta do is find ways to meet your baby's needs while also maintaining convenience for you. You can have it all! Get a sling and wear the baby while you do chores. Here's a general guide. Screw rocking, it's tedious. Just lay down and nurse the kid to sleep. And don't worry one bit about how you'll stop that habit. The baby will tell you when it's ready to stop. Children all end up eating solid food and sleeping in their own beds. If you don't rush the process, it will be more painless for you both.

Why We Aren't Weaning at A Year....

My little newborn turned 9 months old the other day. He is now crawling and pulling himself to standing and waving "hi" to everyone who smiles at him and tells him how cute he is. In three short months my baby will be a toddler...and while he's too big for his infant seat, can climb out of the exersaucer and is eating more and more solid food, he's not too grown up for mama's milk! 

In fact the World Health Organization recommends that babies be breastfed for a minimum of two years. Children rarely self-wean before 18-24 months. Now I think if you did your best to provide your baby with breastmilk and didn't take away that basic right from your infant you've done an outstanding job. This isn't a post about judgement for those that chose to wean at a year.  Kudos! Your baby is probably eating solid food and you won't have to purchase infant formula. 

But wean in three months? Um, we just got good at this! The baby isn't drowning on my overactive letdown anymore and I haven't had a clogged duct in ages. He really likes nursing. It's our bonding time. And in the next few months we'll probably even convince the little guy to eat enough solid food that I won't even need to be worried about things like milk supply. We'll just be nursing because we enjoy each other. Yes, there are health benefits to nursing a toddler. But also, in a lot of ways, the pressure is off. And it sure is cute. 

You hear people talk babies being "old enough to ask for it" as if that is a bad thing. Why? I can't WAIT for Dylan to say "milkies" or something similar. All my other kids said "baba", after all.  Humans are designed biologically to lactate for 2.5-7 years. It's only in western culture that nursing past 12 months is unusual. This cultural bias is even evident in studies done on breastfeeding. For example, why is nursing past the age of 12 months considered "extended breastfeeding" if 2.5-7 years of nursing is biologically normal. Toddlers are picky eaters. If Dylan turns out to be the 2 year old who will only eat chicken nuggets and macaroni, at least my milk will round out his nutrition. And not to mention, milkies are already the perfect cure when his sister knocks him over or he wakes up scared. I can see this tool being even better once he's capable of a real tantrum. I wish his sister knew how to nurse sometimes!

Breastfeeding. I never imagined 9 months ago when we started on this journey that it would turn into a way of mothering. Nursing is a relationship. If you see a mother nursing her toddler, resist the urge to judge. Bite your tongue. Just because you don't see toddlers (or even babies, really) breastfeeding much in today's society doesn't mean that they shouldn't. 

Some awesome reasons to nurse your toddler are here.

Breastfeeding and The Bottom Line

We all know that breastfeeding has health benefits for mother and child. Studies have shown that breastfed babies get sick less often, with less severity. We know they suffer from fewer ear and respiratory infections and allergies, due to antibodies present in human milk. We know that breastfeeding reduces a woman's overall risk of several types of cancer, including breast cancer. Mother's who nurse experience less post-partum depression. A recently published study by the AAP states that breastfeeding between the ages of 1 and 4 months reduces the risk of SIDS by up to 70%, even after socioeconomic and other factors were accounted for.  Even in the United States, 900 deaths could be prevented each year by breastfeeding.


But have you considered the economic bottom line? If more people nursed their children, what would that mean for the world in terms of dollars and cents?


Lets start with healthcare costs. According to a report by the USDA, which can be found in it's entirety by clicking here:


A minimum of $3.6 billion would be saved if breastfeeding were increased from current levels (64 percent in-hospital, 29 percent at 6 months) to those recommended by the U.S. Surgeon General (75 and 50 percent). This figure is likely an underestimation of the total savings because it represents cost savings from the treatment of only three childhood illnesses: otitis media, gastroenteritis, and necrotizing enterocolitis. 


That is 3.6 BILLION dollars. Not million, BILLION. And that is just in the United States, imagine if this was analyzed on a global level!


Let's continue with healthcare costs associated with mothers. A study by Yale University researchers showed that women who breastfed for two years or longer reduced their risk of breast cancer by 50 percent. Similar protective effects were found from uterine and ovarian cancers, according to this link. Breast cancer is such a prevalent disease that the cost savings of reducing it's incidence by THAT MUCH is astounding. 


So what do we do with information? The CDC shows a fairly abysmal rate of exclusive breastfeeding to 6 months of age, as recommended by both the WHO and AAP. The 2011 Breastfeeding Report Card reveals that nationally just 14.8 percent of babies are exclusively on breastmilk for 6 months. 44% are still being breastfed at all by the 6 month mark. 


How can we increase this, as a society? Obviously for parents to make a truly informed decision on what to feed their baby, they need all the facts. Beyond that, I doubt pushing moms who prefer to formula feed is going to help nearly as much as providing support and correct information to moms trying to achieve a breastfeeding relationship. I am certain that it would be more cost-effective for insurance companies to cover breast pumps and lactation consultants than having to pay more towards treating childhood illness. Doctors, even pediatricians are notorious for knowing very little about breastfeeding and how to carry it out. All too often, the confidence of the nursing mother is undermined by a physician who recommends or even scares a woman into supplementing with formula at the first hiccup in the nursing relationship. Many have not taken one class in medical school on the mechanics of breastfeeding, and most use growth charts designed for formula fed infants, when it is known that the growth pattern of the breastfed child is quite different. 


No wonder they call breastmilk "liquid gold". It's the only substance on the planet with such an amazingly healthy bottom line! 

One Feeding Can Make A Memory

I read a blog entry on Cafe Mom today that really made me think. It is a fascinating piece on the ingredients in breastmilk.  The whole article can be found here. But this particular quote stood out to me on a very personal level.

Breast milk itself is an absolutely amazing substance. It's part of the reason why medical organizations strongly recommend that every mother breastfeed (or at least try). The stuff is good enough that even one feeding can make a huge difference for the newborn; and, the longer you go, the better. Even if the child is just getting one breast milk meal a day and the rest are formula, that's still very important and beneficial.

Wow. I just had a major epiphany. Now, you probably know by now that I am pro-breastfeeding. You may have also read my post about formula companies and why I dislike their advertising. But what you may not realize (being that I just figured it out myself), is exactly why I am so passionate about this topic. 

First of all, nursing my son has been the single most healing, life-affirming and powerful experience in my parenting career. Bar none. To me, breastfeeding IS love. I love all of my children equally and with all of my heart, but being able to feed and nurture Dylan simultaneously has been almost like discovering a new way to mother. Maybe if you are issue-free and nurturing comes very second nature to you, then bonding with your squishy baby is an easy thing. Maybe because skin-to-skin contact and cuddling is pretty much part of the deal with nursing, I wasn't required to "try" as hard with Dylan. Or perhaps the oxytocin released during nursing prevented post-partum depression for me this time around. Or maybe I'm just finally being allowed to breastfeed my kid like every other mom and I'm excited about it. And because I was told I couldn't nurse my others, I am willing to fight a little harder to maintain the breastfeeding dyad. Perhaps it's a combination of these things. 

I was not even allowed to try to breastfeed my first 2 children, because it was assumed that any small amount of medication that I am required to take would pass through my milk and possibly harm my babies. So be it, I thought. I didn't question, I was just happy to be pregnant and having a baby at all, given that the same medications would have to be taken throughout pregnancy. The worst part of all was that no one bothered to mention, after my son was born, that 3 days later my milk would come in. Imagine my surprise when I woke up in excruciating pain, breasts so full that I couldn't even express a single drop of milk to relieve some of the pressure. This is what happens when you haven't nursed AT ALL. I recall a frantic call to my OB, who instructed me to wear a very tight bra and apply ice until it dried up. I actually could have breastfed Harley, who was born in 2010, after new guidelines were released by the AAP regarding medications and breastfeeding. But I just assumed things were the same, so I didn't research the issue. Coming to breastfeed Dylan, doing the research and finding the medical support necessary to arrive at that decision is a long story for another post. 

Here's where I get angry, though. There is absolutely, positively, undoubtedly NO reason in this world that my children could not have been breastfed in the hospital. The notion that any medication I may have been taking at the time (we're not talking about illicit drugs or chemo or anything that was even totally contraindicated with breastfeeding at the time, we're simply talking about medication that hadn't been adequately studied) would have been metabolized and come through colostrum, the substance babies drink shortly after birth is absolutely absurd. Colostrum is ingested in such tiny quantities that this is a non-issue. And yet, colostrum is often called "nature's first immunization" it is so healthy and packed with good antibodies for babies. 

As the article states "Even one feeding can make a huge difference for a newborn."

One feeding can also make a memory. 

And my babies and I didn't get one feeding. 

Keeping Him Whole- Debunking The Myths

So you're having a baby boy! Congratulations! I'm sure you're thrilled. After your trip to Babies R Us to buy every cute boy outfit they have, and after you deck the nursery in blue, you'll have to make a decision. Will you circumcise, or leave your son whole? I know that one of the reasons my first son was cut was because of some myths I believed to be true about the intact penis. Let's examine these, and understand better why leaving your son in his natural state is actually easier.

If you've read my blog, or my Facebook page, you know my stance on circumcision. Morally and ethically I am opposed to it. I have read and researched enough to believe that it is unnecessary and any slight benefits are outweighed significantly by the trauma it causes inevitably, and possible complications that can arise. That is not what this post is about. I am not writing this time about the negative affects of cutting. I am, rather, writing about the positive aspects of leaving your boy intact.

1. It's easier to care for. 


When I finally raised the white flag and agreed to have Hunter circumcised, I was under the impression that a baby boy's intact penis would be difficult to care for. I actually thought *I* would have to retract the foreskin and clean under it. This is COMPLETELY INCORRECT! You should never, ever retract a child's foreskin. It will harm them. All you do is clean it like you would a finger. When changing a diaper, you wipe off any feces and that is all. It's simpler than caring for a baby girl. Proper care of the intact penis, from birth to adolescence here.

2. No wound to be concerned with.

A circumcised penis is a wound. There is no disputing this. You must apply vaseline to it to prevent it from sticking to the diaper. Adhesions can occur. There is nothing easy about seeing your newborn with a wound. And having to care for it adds to this injury.

3. His adult sex life will be as nature intended


This is difficult for many parents to fathom, but someday baby boy will be a man (I know, sniff!) and there are significant sexual benefits to having an intact penis. The foreskin is there for a reason. Not long ago, doctors were convinced that tonsils and gall bladders were unnecessary organs. Whether you believe in evolution, God, or a combination of both, none of these allows for extra parts of the body.

4. No complications to be concerned with


No one believes that complications from this "simple surgery" will happen to them. Adhesions, excessive bleeding, infections, and even death can occur. 75% percent of newborn boys will not readily breastfeed post-op.  Is this really the way you want to welcome your son into this life, by taking his trust, and risking your nursing relationship? A more comprehensive list of complications are listed here.

5. It's not necessary


No medical association in the world recommends routine infant circumcision. Even The University of Washington, a very mainstream organization not know for their intactivism, stated, after their study in the year 2000,   "the vast majority of children will gain no medical benefit nor suffer any complication as a result of circumcision."

So if it's not medically necessary, why on earth are we putting newborns under the knife?

6. Circumcision rates in the US are declining

In fact, only 38% of males worldwide are circumcised. In the US, as parents become more educated and peaceful parenting is more of a concern, the rates have fallen further still. So the age-old "He'll be made fun of in the locker room for looking different" argument is false. 

These are just a few of many reasons to leave your baby boy intact. Research. Watch a video of the procedure. And above all else, question.

Question the logic behind this painful procedure. Think about leaving the decision to remove a vital organ up to your son. We are their parents,  not their owners. It's his body, after all...

Similac- Undermining Breastfeeding, One Survey at a Time

I received an interesting piece of mail the other day from "The National Institute of Infant Nutrition". It all looked very official, and at first glance seemed to be a questionnaire that might help provide statistical information on how many people were breastfeeding and till what age, how many were feeding formula, and what age folks were starting solids. At first I even began filling out the form, until I wondered why this National Institute would care precisely what brands of formula people were using, when these brands were initiated, and why they were selected. I decided to a quick google search and found that the "National Institute of Infant Nutrition" is actually Abbott, a formula company, commonly known as the makers of Similac. 

Now, formula companies are supposed to be following a simple set of ethics outlined by the World Health Organization after a battle with a company called Nestle that nearly eradicated breastfeeding. The Nestle boycott has continued since 1977.

It is estimated that 1.5 million babies die each year from not being adequately breastfed.  This fact is disputed by no one. And yet, very few formula companies operate under the WHO Code. 

This kind of deception in order to sell a product is reprehensible. By asking what age formula is commonly introduced, or what age supplementing commonly begins, Abbott is gathering ammunition. They will then use this ammunition to market formulas "specially designed" for the targeted age group. And they will use this information to decide what time to send out the infamous formula samples and target women at weak moments in the breastfeeding relationship. The women use the samples, and lo and behold, experience a supply drop because they are not demanding their breasts to make milk when they are supplementing with formula. Pretty soon, they are exclusively formula feeding. 

You see, formula companies discovered long ago that their best customers were NOT formula feeding mothers. They discovered that the biggest profit was derived from women intending to breastfeed. This is because they make up a bigger market share. Most women start out breastfeeding in the hospital. But by several weeks, most have quit. Why is this? Lack of support and misinformation are big problems. But being sabotaged by corporations whose only interest is selling their product, and who will go to any length to do so, is something that ALL mothers, regardless of feeding method, need to be aware of. If you formula feed, please buy a formula that complies with the WHO code. If you breastfeed, help other mother’s get correct information on breastfeeding issues.

And if you receive a letter from Similac, don’t help them with their market research. Don’t give them ammunition to sabotage the nursing relationship.

11 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me Before I Got Pregnant

1. You don't need every item Babies R Us sells. 

Seriously. When I had Hunter I had a huge baby shower. I am completely grateful for it, and we had a fabulous time, but the best part about it was the DVD my Aunt Linda made of us celebrating the impending arrival of my firstborn child. As far as gifts go, the fact that everyone brought a package of diapers for a raffle was pretty awesome too. But the wipes warmer, bottle warmer, 3 different types of swings, and nine million newborn sized outfits? Not so much. Your baby may grow quickly and wear those outfits once! Buy a variety of sizes. All you need is your bed, a baby carrier, some diapers and a car seat and you're good to go. If you breastfeed, you won't even need bottles and all the paraphernalia that goes with them. It's nice to have a baby swing, too, but not completely necessary.

2. If you bottle feed, do it topless.

Why on earth did none of the hospitals I delivered at tell me to do skin-to-skin with my babies? If you are bottle feeding, you can do so just as easily without your shirt on! This is easy and will help with bonding. Kangaroo care is done to help regulate the heart and respiration of preemies, so why wouldn't it help a full term infant? This is second nature if you are nursing, but seriously all moms (and dads!) can do skin-to-skin!

3. If you are breastfeeding, go into it with the idea that you WILL succeed.

If you go into it with the idea that you are "trying it out to see if it works" the free formula samples will be calling your name before your milk even comes in. You really owe it to yourself and your baby to be committed.  Don't even keep those samples in the house "just in case". If you will be going back to work at some point, worry about purchasing bottles later.  Be prepared that for a learning curve for both you and the baby, that things will likely be difficult the first 6 weeks or so, but that they will get better and it will be WORTH IT!

I have written about Dylan's and my saga in this post.

4. If the baby is pooping and peeing, he is getting enough milk.

Don't worry about the scale too much. What goes in must come out.

5. When it comes to sleep, do what works for your child as an individual. 

Notice I did not say, do what works for YOU. Your baby does not know you prefer 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep. We never allowed any baby to cry-it-out. However, things are easier for all involved if you don't go against the grain of your baby's temperament. Hunter slept just fine beside our bed in his bassinet. I could roll the thing into the living room and vacuum around him and he'd peacefully nap. He transitioned to a crib in his own room without protest at 3 months of age. Do I think it is ideal for babies to sleep alone, away from their parents, at this young age? No. But Hunter was pretty easy-going as a baby, and nobody really struggled. Enter Jules. She hated the bassinet and I was completely confused. Trying to make her sleep in it was an exercise in frustration, and we all had an easier time just bringing her into our bed. With Harley and Dylan we co-slept, knowing that there were benefits to this. Harley was in the Arm's Reach Co-sleeper beside our bed and Dylan has been nestled beside me almost from day 1.

6. Babywear and do not worry about spoiling your baby.

One of the biggest frustrations new parents face is the myriad of unsolicited and often unwise advice. After that, it's the fact that having a newborn makes it hard to get things done as they like to be held most of the time. Please hold your baby. A lot. They NEED human interaction, and they get lonely or bored and just want to cuddle sometimes. This is as much of a need as the need for food or a diaper change. If you have things you need to get done, which happens, we are all human and life outside of baby exists, wear him or her close to you in a wrap or sling. Here are The Cliff Notes of Babywearing.

7. Postpartum hormones are a bitch. 

That is all. This is not explainable until you actually have the child, but do watch out for warning signs of PPD. There is help available, it does not mean you are anything but a loving parent. But do expect the tears to flow shortly after giving birth, even in the absence of PPD.

8. The best shower you will ever have in your entire life is the one you take right after giving birth. 

9. Don't start solids too early.

Most importantly, don't put cereal in a bottle in hopes your baby will sleep through the night. This practice is dangerous as it is a choking hazard. Early introduction of solids is associated with increased risk of obesity, diabetes, food allergies and constipation. Babies are fine on breastmilk or formula the first 6 months of life, according to guidelines by both the AAP and WHO.

10. Be prepared to love your baby to the point that it's painful.

This may not happen right away, especially if you have PPD. And it's definitely more intense when those social smiles and coos begin. But mothering is crazy emotional. It's a "jump in front of a moving train for your kid without hesitation" kind of love that almost defies logic.

11. Last but not least, find an awesome group of like-minded mamas who will encourage you through this journey. This is a roller coaster ride, and it's a lot more fun with friends who are going through what you are on a daily basis!

It may not be easy, but I promise, it will be worth it. I may not love every moment with my children. Sometimes they frustrate the hell out of me. But I love my life. I love my family. And I wouldn't change a thing...