The Cliff Notes on Babywearing

It's been a wonderful summer. We have made so many memories as a family. We have taken the kids to parks, beaches, splash pads, and lakes. We even took a tour of Lake Washington. It's crucial to do lots of outdoor stuff in the summer when you live in the Pacific Northwest. It's the only time we get any sunshine! And it's beautiful, with green trees, serene water, and for once, clear skies. Since the kids went back to school last week, I was flipping through our photos of the summer, and found another momento- Dylan's Beco Butterfly II baby carrier. I am wearing him while splashing in the water, wearing him while walking around the zoo, everywhere we went, I was toting my son. There were so many pictures of him and I babywearing, we could have been an advertisement for Beco!

So this is just intended as a general "getting started" guide to babywearing. It's a great way to get extra cuddles in with your baby while keeping your hands free. I have worn all of my kids, but more so with each baby that came along. This was out of necessity for sure, when you have four kids, and the baby is colicky and needs to be held a lot, you do what works. And babywearing works for us.

Let's start with options for a newborn. I have used the Moby wrap and Comfy Joey ring sling with my newborns. You can also nurse in these carriers, which is great when you are just getting the hang of breastfeeding and the thought of public nursing still makes you nervous. This is a solution to keep you from being tied to the house. Babies also love to be snuggled close to mama in this womb-like environment. Studies show that babies who are worn in this fashion cry less. Here's more about that and some additional benefits. There is a learning curve to tying a wrap, though. It's not difficult, and this video really helped me. I also recommend this video guide for nursing in one. What I also did with my youngest daughter is tie the wrap before going out. Then I'd remove her from her car seat and slip her in. This makes it easier because you're not tying a bunch of fabric in a parking lot! I have heard that the Sleepy Wrap or Baby K'tan is easier because you don't have to do the tying and the fabric stretches out less, but I have not tried these carriers.

Once baby has decent head support, I move on to a soft structured carrier. There are many options here, and I will mention that I am highly uncoordinated so the SSC is my favorite. I prefer one with buckles, such as my Beco, or the Ergo gets great reviews, too. Whatever carrier you use, it's important to have one that is ergonomic in design, both for the sake of baby's hips and your back. When the baby is big enough to have his or her legs out of the SSC, you want to make sure the knees are as high as the bottom. In short, don't use a crotch dangler, like the Baby Bjorn. They are very hard on your back and the babies legs just dangle. Forward facing positions are also impossible to do ergonomically. If your baby likes to look around, try a hip carry in a ring sling.

Our Beco is close to my heart. Dylan jumps up and down excitedly when he sees me putting it on. We're actually getting another one so Anthony can wear Harley, too.  It's been an awesome summer....

Happy babywearing!

Ergo

Babies and Sleep. Tips and tricks!

There isn't any parenting magazine, book or forum where sleep isn't a hot topic. Let's face it- sleep deprivation is hard and most of us go through it to some degree in the first year of baby's life! So, not surprisingly, in mommy circles, the question is often, when will my baby sleep through the night and how do I survive in the meantime?

First, lets examine what we expect with a newborn. Babies have very tiny tummies. Also, if you are nursing, it's important to note that breastmilk digests in 90 minutes. This is a good thing though, I promise! It means that your milk is such a perfect food that baby can quickly digest it. When your baby is a newborn, you may feel they are attached to the boob 24/7, particularly during growth spurts. I highly recommend movies and Netflix for the first 6 weeks or so. Another thing that is happening here is the baby's frequent suckling is increasing your supply, also a worthwhile endeavor. Do not be tempted to put your newborn on a schedule. Feed on demand, even if you just nursed 15 minutes ago. Watch for early signs of hunger such as rooting or sucking on fingers. Crying is a late sign of hunger and many mothers find baby difficult to latch if he or she is very upset. Newborns wake up a lot, as they have no concept of time and they are usually genuinely hungry. Sleep training is not appropriate for a newborn. Remember this is a short time in your baby's life and things WILL get easier. You CAN do this in ways that do not involve Cry-It-Out. I wrote a post about the dangers of this method in The Ugly Side of Cry-It-Out.

Survival Tips

1. If you're nursing, I highly recommend co-sleeping. You can do this safely. I did have to sit up, position Dylan on the Boppy and latch him on for the first 10 weeks or so. After that we discovered and mastered side-lying nursing, which simply entails whipping out boob, feeding baby, and sleeping through the feed. Here is an excellent video tutorial. By this point the intestines are regulated and you won't need to change during the night. But sleeping with him cuddled against me did promote bonding. Babies who sleep next to their mother's, preferably skin-to-skin, nurse more frequently, gain weight more quickly, and this has a positive effect on supply. Mothers who breastfeed tend to sleep protectively of their newborn or baby. More information on the benefits of sleep sharing are listed here.

2. In the initial weeks, breastfed babies poop. A lot. Sometimes after every nursing, night and day. Don't fatigue yourself further by doing the middle of the night diaper changes. Have your partner change the baby and bring him or her to you to nurse. If you're bottle feeding, have your partner make a bottle and take turns feeding the baby.

3. Babywearing is awesome. Most babies will fall asleep in their carriers and you might even get something done while baby naps. I recommend a wrap like Moby or a ring sling like Comfy Joey for the newborn stage. You can even nurse in them!  Soft structured carriers like the Beco Butterfly II (our personal favorite), Boba, or Ergo are great once they have decent head control.

4. Realize that you will be tired. My morning Starbucks run never impacted the baby. Relaxation exercises also help. Did I mention this is not a permanent state of being? By the time the kids are in college, you will sleep again.


Moving along. Your baby is now 3 months old, and still waking up at night. Everyone from the pediatrician to Aunt Mildred is asking if the baby is sleeping 12 hours a night yet. Here's the deal on that- some babies do, most do not. In fact sleeping 5 hours in a row is considered "sleeping through the night". Do not despair if you didn't luck out in the sleep department. Trying to get your baby to do something he or she is not ready for is an exercise in frustration for you both. Soon there will be teething, and some of your friends whose babies were awesome sleepers may begin waking at night again. It's not a contest. Sleep does, however, become more organized at this point. You'll probably notice more sleep in the night hours and more wakefulness during the day.

Survival Tips

1. Start a routine. Bath, stories, nurse, bed. I found that Dylan slept a long stretch from 6-10 pm. Then he'd nurse every 2 hours thereafter. Co-sleeping saved my a$$. I have felt very rested from about this point on.

2. Do not give your baby solid food in hopes they will sleep through the night. A 3 month old is not ready for solids, no health organization recommends this, and it doesn't work. Breast milk and formula are higher in calories and filling them up on solids will not help the situation. I understand your desperation though!

3. Sleep begats sleep. They will actually sleep better at night if they have napped sufficiently during the day. Sounds counterintuitive, yes, but it's really true.

4. Don't worry if your baby wants no part of self-soothing or being put down awake. If baby needs to nurse to sleep, fine. If he naps better in the swing, fine. Do what works. Again, I don't recommend sleep training, especially if it includes cry-it-out.

5. Don't forget the Starbucks! Seriously.

Online Resources

La Leche League International
Ask Dr. Sears
Dr. Jay Gordon's Website
Infant Risk- Meds and Breastfeeding
Attachment Parenting International

Motherhood and Feminism- Having it All

My whole life I have supported the idea that women and men should be equal partners in relationships, and more recently, parenthood. Sadly, according to statistics, whether a woman works outside the home or not, in a typical family, when it comes to housework and parenting women do more.  It has also been intimated that if a woman breastfeeds, it increases her workload because obviously most if not all of the feeding is her responsibility.  Formula, it appears, adds choice and freedom to women. 

Let's examine this a bit more closely. First, I'll go into my experience, as I have done it both ways. And my son does not take bottles, so I have actually done every single feeding since he was born 7.5 months ago. My husband did help very much with middle of the night wakings for my other children. I am fortunate, though, as I expect nothing less than an equal partner when it comes to marriage and children. I do not consider a father staying home with his own kids to be "babysitting". I do not consider laundry and dishes "women's work". I do not think that a man's work solely consists of his job and bringing home an income. When Dylan was born, in fact, Anthony completely took over for the other 3 kids for the first month so that I could establish breastfeeding with the baby. In short, my only job for that first month was feeding Dylan. 

I also did not at any point find formula "freeing", particularly at night. I totally understand if a mom is working, pumping and storing milk is very difficult. Keeping up supply is difficult. Avoiding nipple confusion and bottle preference is an issue. Total weaning sometimes happens despite everyone's best efforts. This is more a problem with inadequate maternity leave, particularly in the US, than it is with breastfeeding in itself, though. We have messed up priorities when it comes to the care of children here, but that is another post altogether.  Anyway, cleaning and sterilizing bottles, getting up to prepare them, staying awake while feeding the baby, feeling somewhat detached and a bit resentful while doing so were all part of the experience of formula feeding for me. I happen to enjoy breastfeeding, and after the initial month of supply issues, mastitis and clogged ducts was resolved, I have found it much simpler than formula. Yes, I do need to have the baby in my presence most of the time. I do have to think for a moment when he was last nursed if I go out. But I have done that with my other children at this tender age for the most part too. 

Breastfeeding is a more politically charged topic than you'd think. An awesome read that goes further in depth than I could ever on this blog is The Politics of Breastfeeding, by Gabrielle Palmer. Think about it this way- there is nothing on this earth that could potentially save more lives and more money (think 1.5 million babies and billions of dollars in healthcare costs) than if more women chose to breastfeed. This is the only act with a "bottom line" that is exclusively female. 

Think deeper still. You know what is decidedly un-feminist? The fact that society has sexualized breasts to the extent that they are. The fact that feeding a baby with a boob is no longer normal on an unconscious level for most people. The porn industry. The fact that breasts have basically become a play thing for men who don't do housework or much for their children.  It's an awesome feeling, being able to feed and nurture your baby with your own body. There is power in it. 

Formula is not a symbol of freedom. Yes, it's good we have choices. But let's make it a truly informed choice. Do your research, you do what you feel is right in the end. But don't walk around with the illusion that those who choose to nurse are giving up their feminist ideals....we're not. Being a woman is hard, no matter how you feed the baby. And whether you breastfeed or not, make him change diapers. And do laundry. He may come out of it with a stronger bond with his family. Oh, and teach your son how to operate a washing machine. His wife will thank you someday. 

So it's no big surprise, by the title of my blog, that my son is breastfed. There is a journey and a story behind how a mom who formula-fed three children came to exclusively nurse her fourth...

I was told I could not breastfeed Hunter and Julianna by doctors because of some medication I take. This was almost 9 years ago, and what is known now regarding milk transfer of medications to mother's milk was not known at the time. A lactation consultant actually did recommend partial nursing and partial pumping and dumping, but she made it sound quite difficult and I didn't elect to go that route. With my 19 month old, Harley, I certainly could have exclusively breastfed, but I didn't research it properly so she was also formula fed.

Early in my pregnancy with baby Dylan, I had a dream. The dream was of the birth of my son, whom I didn't know yet was a boy, and the child began nursing right after the birth. Concurrently, I ran into the book Medications and Mother's Milk, by Tom Hale, and started researching my options. Finally, I saw a psychiatrist in Seattle who confirmed that I was able to fully breastfeed with a few adjustments to the meds I take.

Enter Dylan. The birth was long and difficult, including a cascade of interventions, such as Pitocin, an epidural, and IV fluids. I'm not saying that everyone should or can opt for a natural birth,  or even that these interventions were not medically indicated in my situation. However, they can and do affect the initiation of breastfeeding.

That said, it is what it is. Dylan was initially a very enthusiastic nurser, despite being born at 37 weeks, which can also impact the baby's ability to nurse well in the early stages. But when my milk didn't come in by day 5, we began getting concerned. He had lost 12% of his birth weight and was not wetting enough diapers. Actually, at one point he had gone over 12 hours without a wet diaper, and we had to act. We began a regime of nurse/ supplement/ pump to build supply. I began taking domperidone to help my supply and I was shocked to have a full supply within 48 hours. My baby has been fully breastfed since 14 days old and we have not needed to supplement with formula since then.

All this to say, breastfeeding can be difficult, even in the best of circumstances, usually for the first month or so. I had a midwife tell me, "The first month to six weeks is harder than just giving the baby a bottle. Both mother and baby must learn how to nurse. But if you can make it through the early stages, it gets easier than bottle-feeding. It will be worth the struggle."

I took her advice to heart. We worked very hard to establish our nursing relationship. Everyone knows that breastfeeding has substantial health benefits. But the real benefit is in the mother/ child bond, for lack of a better word. I hesitate to use the word "bond" because I am certainly bonded to my other children. But nursing enhances the experience of mothering. It's not the only way, but it did cause me to bond with Dylan at an earlier age than my other kids. I could go on and on about how chubby my boy is from mama's milk, or how he has never been sick. But the real reason I am sold on nursing is almost completely from an emotional perspective. I just don't want you to miss out on this experience. It's something you will remember for a lifetime.

Also, this does not happen right off the bat. It can take a little bit to get past any difficulties you are having in the beginning. For me, once that happened, nursing my baby was absolutely beautiful. There is powerful emotion that goes with feeding and nurturing your baby with your own body. So when I go on about the benefits of breastfeeding, and I encourage mamas to keep trying, what I am really saying is "Don't quit 5 minutes before the miracle."

Intactivist Burning

Today I posted another intactivist link on Facebook, which not surprisingly elicited powerful emotions from many friends. But one comment in particular got me wondering why it is we as a culture, feel we must go so very far to avoid making parents feel guilty? Or judged? Or offended?

I don't think that genital integrity of children should be a parenting choice.

Yeah, there it is in black and white. I really feel THAT strongly. At some point, in this blog, I will feel compelled to link the youtube video of a child being circumcised that I saw some time ago that filled me with outrage. Not outrage towards parents, but outrage towards a society and a medical establishment that allows this to happen to babies. Outrage to a society that values its future so very little that the pain of a newborn is not important.

What kind of thinking does it take to arrive at the conclusion that since he isn't going to remember being cut, that makes it okay? By that logic, child abuse is also just fine as long as it is done at an age before long-term memory is formed. Since he's *just* a newborn, I guess strapping him down and cutting half his penis off will have no long-term effect. Well, other than the loss of his foreskin, which DOES have a function, or barring any complications.

Do we really believe that circumcision is not harmful? We believe it is harmful to girls. I think living in a "cut" society has an effect, certainly. A boy is cut by a doctor who was cut and therefore sees benefit to cutting and has no problem convincing the child's father, who is also cut. I get that, and I agree that this will take some time to undo. Because the reality is that while religious freedom is cited as a reason circumcision is legal- albeit the PARENT'S RELIGION- frankly most boys are not circumcised because of religion. The fact is parents have a myriad of other reasons....

The biggest problem faced by intactivists is that people cannot handle the truth. We can't even go on Facebook and post an informational link without coming across as offensive or making someone feel guilty. I am quite sorry, but I will not skew reality to avoid causing people guilt or making them question their choices. I will not stop fighting the fight for genital integrity for children who cannot speak for themselves. My words are not really intended for those who staunchly defend the ritual of amputating foreskins. They are simply intended for those who might be looking to make an informed choice, for those who may still be gathering facts, for those who are expecting a boy and intimidated by the "circumcision decision" and for those who may ever be expecting a boy.

Now, if you are pregnant with a boy, and you just assumed you would circumcise because that is just what people do, or because his father is, or because you heard it is cleaner, I leave you with this.....

Question circumcision.

Watch a video. If you can't handle watching it done, please do not have it done to your son.

The Ugly Side of Cry-It-Out

So I'm a bit down on society right now, and that will reflect in my posts. You've been warned!

For example, there's Cry-it-Out (CIO). I cannot stand CIO. I've never resorted to this practice of leaving an infant alone, crying, in hopes that he or she would eventually stop. This article summarizes the dangers of CIO, but here are a few reasons why it would never work for me as a mother.

1. It's mean. I don't know when it happened exactly, but sometime in the generation where "children should be seen but not heard" someone decided that babies are not people, with genuine feelings. That as long as their diaper is clean and they are fed and not physically ill,  it's ok to let them wail themselves to sleep. How would you like to be left alone, helpless and hysterical? And since when is it OK for adults to have emotions such as loneliness or boredom, but not OK for a little baby?

2. It threatens my attachment with my child. Forming a bond with a primary caregiver is vital in terms of human development, despite what Ferber or Babywise would have you believe. And in early childhood, attachment is formed by attentiveness and responding to your baby's needs. Crying is communication, not manipulation!

3. It's not natural. There is a reason why the sound of a baby- especially a newborn- crying is so distressing for adults.  You were given the instinct to comfort your baby, mama. Use it! In non-western cultures they are shocked at how long it takes for us to respond to our babies.

4. It may be dangerous. Excessive cortisol is found in the brains of babies left to cry alone. Interestingly, less cortisol is found in babies who are crying in the arms of a parent, such as with colic. I have read comments on articles about CIO where parents casually mention that the baby cried till they threw up. This is obviously risky, and if you are leaving a baby to cry for that long and that hard, that is child abuse.

5. It does not foster independence, as some would have you believe.  The opposite is true. Children will become independent in their own time. Expecting a little baby to be independent after spending 9 months cuddled in the womb is a bit ridiculous and completely counterintuitive.

So there you have it, the Cliff Notes on why I hate CIO. I have lots to say on this subject, but I'll end with this. Parenting is not always going to be convenient. When you're doing something as important as raising a human being, you gotta expect some hard work is going to be involved. There are lots of creative ways for everyone to get some sleep without resorting to CIO.

Stay tuned!