There, I said it. I am a convenience parent.
If you've ever heard this term before, it refers to parents who didn't really expect much to change when they had children. That assumed kids would fit neatly into their lives instead of the other way around and would go to great lengths to keep it that way. Here's the problem with this type of convenience parent- most importantly, of course, it's detrimental to the child. But secondly, those that employ techniques like cry-it-out (CIO) to get baby to sleep better and longer are actually creating more work for themselves. It's not so convenient when CIO doesn't work. I've heard of some CIO programs that actually encourage parents to abandon their instincts. Like if baby is crying in the next room, ignore the fact that it's very upsetting for a mother to hear a baby wailing! I don't know about you, but I would not be able to sleep at all knowing my child was crying in the next room.
However, I am still a convenience parent. I discovered somewhere in my 9 years as a parent that going against the grain of a child's basic innate temperament is an exercise in futility. Take my first child Hunter, for example. He had no issue sleeping in the bassinet beside our bed. Later, I could rock him to sleep and he would sleep in his crib all night long. At three months old. This is what is known as getting lucky. Sadly, when my daughter Jules arrived, I assumed she would do the same. Ha! Julianna wanted nothing to DO with the bassinet or the crib. She wanted to sleep on me. Now, if I had just LET HER, I would have established appropriate convenience parenting right there. But noooooo. I had to fight it. I would rock her for HOURS. I would ever so gently lay her in the crib then slowly remove my arms from her body, holding my breath the whole time. Without fail, seconds later, she would scream and I would have to repeat this process. No wonder I found parenting her difficult and frustrating! It was truly a case of evolutionary mismatch. This article about why young children protest bedtime from Psychology Today, explains it extraordinarily well.
By the time we got to Dylan, he was my fourth baby. I was ready to pull out convenience parenting my way with full steam. He didn't want to sleep in the co-sleeper. Fine, he spent his first 6 months touching me most of the time. One hour a day he spent in the baby swing. The rest of the time I wore him, snuggled next to him in bed at night, or held him. Once in a while towards the end of the first six months, he'd play on the floor, as long as I was within his view. We breastfeed. Breastfeeding is difficult the first 6-8 weeks, I will grant you that. But once you get it down it's a piece of cake, convenience parenting at its finest. I didn't have to make or wash bottles ever, especially not in the middle of the night. I didn't even get out of bed to feed him, since he was sleeping right beside me. I had side-lying nursing perfected by the time he was 10 weeks old, so I didn't even have to sit up to nurse him. Here's a youtube video guide. And when we started solids, I did a few homemade purees, but after that, he ate pretty much what we ate, except dairy free due to allergies. Very, very convenient.
So, my advice to first time parents? Quit going against nature! Just because Babies R Us says the baby must sleep in a crib doesn't mean baby WILL sleep in a crib. Just because the baby swing was a Godsend for your friend's baby, doesn't mean it will be for yours. Don't always be looking for some gadget to entertain or hold your baby for you. Again, going against nature. Your baby spent 9 months inside you. In fact he or she would still be there, but the human head grows too large to fit out after 9 months gestation and a woman's body expels the baby at that point. So all babies, are, in effect, premature. They need you. All you gotta do is find ways to meet your baby's needs while also maintaining convenience for you. You can have it all! Get a sling and wear the baby while you do chores. Here's a general guide. Screw rocking, it's tedious. Just lay down and nurse the kid to sleep. And don't worry one bit about how you'll stop that habit. The baby will tell you when it's ready to stop. Children all end up eating solid food and sleeping in their own beds. If you don't rush the process, it will be more painless for you both.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Why We Aren't Weaning at A Year....
In fact the World Health Organization recommends that babies be breastfed for a minimum of two years. Children rarely self-wean before 18-24 months. Now I think if you did your best to provide your baby with breastmilk and didn't take away that basic right from your infant you've done an outstanding job. This isn't a post about judgement for those that chose to wean at a year. Kudos! Your baby is probably eating solid food and you won't have to purchase infant formula.
But wean in three months? Um, we just got good at this! The baby isn't drowning on my overactive letdown anymore and I haven't had a clogged duct in ages. He really likes nursing. It's our bonding time. And in the next few months we'll probably even convince the little guy to eat enough solid food that I won't even need to be worried about things like milk supply. We'll just be nursing because we enjoy each other. Yes, there are health benefits to nursing a toddler. But also, in a lot of ways, the pressure is off. And it sure is cute.
You hear people talk babies being "old enough to ask for it" as if that is a bad thing. Why? I can't WAIT for Dylan to say "milkies" or something similar. All my other kids said "baba", after all. Humans are designed biologically to lactate for 2.5-7 years. It's only in western culture that nursing past 12 months is unusual. This cultural bias is even evident in studies done on breastfeeding. For example, why is nursing past the age of 12 months considered "extended breastfeeding" if 2.5-7 years of nursing is biologically normal. Toddlers are picky eaters. If Dylan turns out to be the 2 year old who will only eat chicken nuggets and macaroni, at least my milk will round out his nutrition. And not to mention, milkies are already the perfect cure when his sister knocks him over or he wakes up scared. I can see this tool being even better once he's capable of a real tantrum. I wish his sister knew how to nurse sometimes!
Breastfeeding. I never imagined 9 months ago when we started on this journey that it would turn into a way of mothering. Nursing is a relationship. If you see a mother nursing her toddler, resist the urge to judge. Bite your tongue. Just because you don't see toddlers (or even babies, really) breastfeeding much in today's society doesn't mean that they shouldn't.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Breastfeeding and The Bottom Line
We all know that breastfeeding has health benefits for mother and child. Studies have shown that breastfed babies get sick less often, with less severity. We know they suffer from fewer ear and respiratory infections and allergies, due to antibodies present in human milk. We know that breastfeeding reduces a woman's overall risk of several types of cancer, including breast cancer. Mother's who nurse experience less post-partum depression. A recently published study by the AAP states that breastfeeding between the ages of 1 and 4 months reduces the risk of SIDS by up to 70%, even after socioeconomic and other factors were accounted for. Even in the United States, 900 deaths could be prevented each year by breastfeeding.
But have you considered the economic bottom line? If more people nursed their children, what would that mean for the world in terms of dollars and cents?
Lets start with healthcare costs. According to a report by the USDA, which can be found in it's entirety by clicking here:
A minimum of $3.6 billion would be saved if breastfeeding were increased from current levels (64 percent in-hospital, 29 percent at 6 months) to those recommended by the U.S. Surgeon General (75 and 50 percent). This figure is likely an underestimation of the total savings because it represents cost savings from the treatment of only three childhood illnesses: otitis media, gastroenteritis, and necrotizing enterocolitis.
That is 3.6 BILLION dollars. Not million, BILLION. And that is just in the United States, imagine if this was analyzed on a global level!
Let's continue with healthcare costs associated with mothers. A study by Yale University researchers showed that women who breastfed for two years or longer reduced their risk of breast cancer by 50 percent. Similar protective effects were found from uterine and ovarian cancers, according to this link. Breast cancer is such a prevalent disease that the cost savings of reducing it's incidence by THAT MUCH is astounding.
So what do we do with information? The CDC shows a fairly abysmal rate of exclusive breastfeeding to 6 months of age, as recommended by both the WHO and AAP. The 2011 Breastfeeding Report Card reveals that nationally just 14.8 percent of babies are exclusively on breastmilk for 6 months. 44% are still being breastfed at all by the 6 month mark.
How can we increase this, as a society? Obviously for parents to make a truly informed decision on what to feed their baby, they need all the facts. Beyond that, I doubt pushing moms who prefer to formula feed is going to help nearly as much as providing support and correct information to moms trying to achieve a breastfeeding relationship. I am certain that it would be more cost-effective for insurance companies to cover breast pumps and lactation consultants than having to pay more towards treating childhood illness. Doctors, even pediatricians are notorious for knowing very little about breastfeeding and how to carry it out. All too often, the confidence of the nursing mother is undermined by a physician who recommends or even scares a woman into supplementing with formula at the first hiccup in the nursing relationship. Many have not taken one class in medical school on the mechanics of breastfeeding, and most use growth charts designed for formula fed infants, when it is known that the growth pattern of the breastfed child is quite different.
No wonder they call breastmilk "liquid gold". It's the only substance on the planet with such an amazingly healthy bottom line!
Friday, September 23, 2011
One Feeding Can Make A Memory
I read a blog entry on Cafe Mom today that really made me think. It is a fascinating piece on the ingredients in breastmilk. The whole article can be found here. But this particular quote stood out to me on a very personal level.
Breast milk itself is an absolutely amazing substance. It's part of the reason why medical organizations strongly recommend that every mother breastfeed (or at least try). The stuff is good enough that even one feeding can make a huge difference for the newborn; and, the longer you go, the better. Even if the child is just getting one breast milk meal a day and the rest are formula, that's still very important and beneficial.
Breast milk itself is an absolutely amazing substance. It's part of the reason why medical organizations strongly recommend that every mother breastfeed (or at least try). The stuff is good enough that even one feeding can make a huge difference for the newborn; and, the longer you go, the better. Even if the child is just getting one breast milk meal a day and the rest are formula, that's still very important and beneficial.
Wow. I just had a major epiphany. Now, you probably know by now that I am pro-breastfeeding. You may have also read my post about formula companies and why I dislike their advertising. But what you may not realize (being that I just figured it out myself), is exactly why I am so passionate about this topic.
First of all, nursing my son has been the single most healing, life-affirming and powerful experience in my parenting career. Bar none. To me, breastfeeding IS love. I love all of my children equally and with all of my heart, but being able to feed and nurture Dylan simultaneously has been almost like discovering a new way to mother. Maybe if you are issue-free and nurturing comes very second nature to you, then bonding with your squishy baby is an easy thing. Maybe because skin-to-skin contact and cuddling is pretty much part of the deal with nursing, I wasn't required to "try" as hard with Dylan. Or perhaps the oxytocin released during nursing prevented post-partum depression for me this time around. Or maybe I'm just finally being allowed to breastfeed my kid like every other mom and I'm excited about it. And because I was told I couldn't nurse my others, I am willing to fight a little harder to maintain the breastfeeding dyad. Perhaps it's a combination of these things.
I was not even allowed to try to breastfeed my first 2 children, because it was assumed that any small amount of medication that I am required to take would pass through my milk and possibly harm my babies. So be it, I thought. I didn't question, I was just happy to be pregnant and having a baby at all, given that the same medications would have to be taken throughout pregnancy. The worst part of all was that no one bothered to mention, after my son was born, that 3 days later my milk would come in. Imagine my surprise when I woke up in excruciating pain, breasts so full that I couldn't even express a single drop of milk to relieve some of the pressure. This is what happens when you haven't nursed AT ALL. I recall a frantic call to my OB, who instructed me to wear a very tight bra and apply ice until it dried up. I actually could have breastfed Harley, who was born in 2010, after new guidelines were released by the AAP regarding medications and breastfeeding. But I just assumed things were the same, so I didn't research the issue. Coming to breastfeed Dylan, doing the research and finding the medical support necessary to arrive at that decision is a long story for another post.
Here's where I get angry, though. There is absolutely, positively, undoubtedly NO reason in this world that my children could not have been breastfed in the hospital. The notion that any medication I may have been taking at the time (we're not talking about illicit drugs or chemo or anything that was even totally contraindicated with breastfeeding at the time, we're simply talking about medication that hadn't been adequately studied) would have been metabolized and come through colostrum, the substance babies drink shortly after birth is absolutely absurd. Colostrum is ingested in such tiny quantities that this is a non-issue. And yet, colostrum is often called "nature's first immunization" it is so healthy and packed with good antibodies for babies.
As the article states "Even one feeding can make a huge difference for a newborn."
One feeding can also make a memory.
And my babies and I didn't get one feeding.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Keeping Him Whole- Debunking The Myths
So you're having a baby boy! Congratulations! I'm sure you're thrilled. After your trip to Babies R Us to buy every cute boy outfit they have, and after you deck the nursery in blue, you'll have to make a decision. Will you circumcise, or leave your son whole? I know that one of the reasons my first son was cut was because of some myths I believed to be true about the intact penis. Let's examine these, and understand better why leaving your son in his natural state is actually easier.
If you've read my blog, or my Facebook page, you know my stance on circumcision. Morally and ethically I am opposed to it. I have read and researched enough to believe that it is unnecessary and any slight benefits are outweighed significantly by the trauma it causes inevitably, and possible complications that can arise. That is not what this post is about. I am not writing this time about the negative affects of cutting. I am, rather, writing about the positive aspects of leaving your boy intact.
1. It's easier to care for.
When I finally raised the white flag and agreed to have Hunter circumcised, I was under the impression that a baby boy's intact penis would be difficult to care for. I actually thought *I* would have to retract the foreskin and clean under it. This is COMPLETELY INCORRECT! You should never, ever retract a child's foreskin. It will harm them. All you do is clean it like you would a finger. When changing a diaper, you wipe off any feces and that is all. It's simpler than caring for a baby girl. Proper care of the intact penis, from birth to adolescence here.
2. No wound to be concerned with.
A circumcised penis is a wound. There is no disputing this. You must apply vaseline to it to prevent it from sticking to the diaper. Adhesions can occur. There is nothing easy about seeing your newborn with a wound. And having to care for it adds to this injury.
3. His adult sex life will be as nature intended
This is difficult for many parents to fathom, but someday baby boy will be a man (I know, sniff!) and there are significant sexual benefits to having an intact penis. The foreskin is there for a reason. Not long ago, doctors were convinced that tonsils and gall bladders were unnecessary organs. Whether you believe in evolution, God, or a combination of both, none of these allows for extra parts of the body.
4. No complications to be concerned with
No one believes that complications from this "simple surgery" will happen to them. Adhesions, excessive bleeding, infections, and even death can occur. 75% percent of newborn boys will not readily breastfeed post-op. Is this really the way you want to welcome your son into this life, by taking his trust, and risking your nursing relationship? A more comprehensive list of complications are listed here.
5. It's not necessary
No medical association in the world recommends routine infant circumcision. Even The University of Washington, a very mainstream organization not know for their intactivism, stated, after their study in the year 2000, "the vast majority of children will gain no medical benefit nor suffer any complication as a result of circumcision."
If you've read my blog, or my Facebook page, you know my stance on circumcision. Morally and ethically I am opposed to it. I have read and researched enough to believe that it is unnecessary and any slight benefits are outweighed significantly by the trauma it causes inevitably, and possible complications that can arise. That is not what this post is about. I am not writing this time about the negative affects of cutting. I am, rather, writing about the positive aspects of leaving your boy intact.
1. It's easier to care for.
When I finally raised the white flag and agreed to have Hunter circumcised, I was under the impression that a baby boy's intact penis would be difficult to care for. I actually thought *I* would have to retract the foreskin and clean under it. This is COMPLETELY INCORRECT! You should never, ever retract a child's foreskin. It will harm them. All you do is clean it like you would a finger. When changing a diaper, you wipe off any feces and that is all. It's simpler than caring for a baby girl. Proper care of the intact penis, from birth to adolescence here.
2. No wound to be concerned with.
A circumcised penis is a wound. There is no disputing this. You must apply vaseline to it to prevent it from sticking to the diaper. Adhesions can occur. There is nothing easy about seeing your newborn with a wound. And having to care for it adds to this injury.
3. His adult sex life will be as nature intended
This is difficult for many parents to fathom, but someday baby boy will be a man (I know, sniff!) and there are significant sexual benefits to having an intact penis. The foreskin is there for a reason. Not long ago, doctors were convinced that tonsils and gall bladders were unnecessary organs. Whether you believe in evolution, God, or a combination of both, none of these allows for extra parts of the body.
4. No complications to be concerned with
No one believes that complications from this "simple surgery" will happen to them. Adhesions, excessive bleeding, infections, and even death can occur. 75% percent of newborn boys will not readily breastfeed post-op. Is this really the way you want to welcome your son into this life, by taking his trust, and risking your nursing relationship? A more comprehensive list of complications are listed here.
5. It's not necessary
No medical association in the world recommends routine infant circumcision. Even The University of Washington, a very mainstream organization not know for their intactivism, stated, after their study in the year 2000, "the vast majority of children will gain no medical benefit nor suffer any complication as a result of circumcision."
So if it's not medically necessary, why on earth are we putting newborns under the knife?
6. Circumcision rates in the US are declining
In fact, only 38% of males worldwide are circumcised. In the US, as parents become more educated and peaceful parenting is more of a concern, the rates have fallen further still. So the age-old "He'll be made fun of in the locker room for looking different" argument is false.
These are just a few of many reasons to leave your baby boy intact. Research. Watch a video of the procedure. And above all else, question.
Question the logic behind this painful procedure. Think about leaving the decision to remove a vital organ up to your son. We are their parents, not their owners. It's his body, after all...
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Similac- Undermining Breastfeeding, One Survey at a Time
I received an interesting piece of mail the other day from "The National Institute of Infant Nutrition". It all looked very official, and at first glance seemed to be a questionnaire that might help provide statistical information on how many people were breastfeeding and till what age, how many were feeding formula, and what age folks were starting solids. At first I even began filling out the form, until I wondered why this National Institute would care precisely what brands of formula people were using, when these brands were initiated, and why they were selected. I decided to a quick google search and found that the "National Institute of Infant Nutrition" is actually Abbott, a formula company, commonly known as the makers of Similac.
Now, formula companies are supposed to be following a simple set of ethics outlined by the World Health Organization after a battle with a company called Nestle that nearly eradicated breastfeeding. The Nestle boycott has continued since 1977.
It is estimated that 1.5 million babies die each year from not being adequately breastfed. This fact is disputed by no one. And yet, very few formula companies operate under the WHO Code.
This kind of deception in order to sell a product is reprehensible. By asking what age formula is commonly introduced, or what age supplementing commonly begins, Abbott is gathering ammunition. They will then use this ammunition to market formulas "specially designed" for the targeted age group. And they will use this information to decide what time to send out the infamous formula samples and target women at weak moments in the breastfeeding relationship. The women use the samples, and lo and behold, experience a supply drop because they are not demanding their breasts to make milk when they are supplementing with formula. Pretty soon, they are exclusively formula feeding.
You see, formula companies discovered long ago that their best customers were NOT formula feeding mothers. They discovered that the biggest profit was derived from women intending to breastfeed. This is because they make up a bigger market share. Most women start out breastfeeding in the hospital. But by several weeks, most have quit. Why is this? Lack of support and misinformation are big problems. But being sabotaged by corporations whose only interest is selling their product, and who will go to any length to do so, is something that ALL mothers, regardless of feeding method, need to be aware of. If you formula feed, please buy a formula that complies with the WHO code. If you breastfeed, help other mother’s get correct information on breastfeeding issues.
And if you receive a letter from Similac, don’t help them with their market research. Don’t give them ammunition to sabotage the nursing relationship.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
11 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me Before I Got Pregnant
1. You don't need every item Babies R Us sells.
Seriously. When I had Hunter I had a huge baby shower. I am completely grateful for it, and we had a fabulous time, but the best part about it was the DVD my Aunt Linda made of us celebrating the impending arrival of my firstborn child. As far as gifts go, the fact that everyone brought a package of diapers for a raffle was pretty awesome too. But the wipes warmer, bottle warmer, 3 different types of swings, and nine million newborn sized outfits? Not so much. Your baby may grow quickly and wear those outfits once! Buy a variety of sizes. All you need is your bed, a baby carrier, some diapers and a car seat and you're good to go. If you breastfeed, you won't even need bottles and all the paraphernalia that goes with them. It's nice to have a baby swing, too, but not completely necessary.
2. If you bottle feed, do it topless.
Why on earth did none of the hospitals I delivered at tell me to do skin-to-skin with my babies? If you are bottle feeding, you can do so just as easily without your shirt on! This is easy and will help with bonding. Kangaroo care is done to help regulate the heart and respiration of preemies, so why wouldn't it help a full term infant? This is second nature if you are nursing, but seriously all moms (and dads!) can do skin-to-skin!
3. If you are breastfeeding, go into it with the idea that you WILL succeed.
If you go into it with the idea that you are "trying it out to see if it works" the free formula samples will be calling your name before your milk even comes in. You really owe it to yourself and your baby to be committed. Don't even keep those samples in the house "just in case". If you will be going back to work at some point, worry about purchasing bottles later. Be prepared that for a learning curve for both you and the baby, that things will likely be difficult the first 6 weeks or so, but that they will get better and it will be WORTH IT!
I have written about Dylan's and my saga in this post.
4. If the baby is pooping and peeing, he is getting enough milk.
Don't worry about the scale too much. What goes in must come out.
5. When it comes to sleep, do what works for your child as an individual.
Notice I did not say, do what works for YOU. Your baby does not know you prefer 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep. We never allowed any baby to cry-it-out. However, things are easier for all involved if you don't go against the grain of your baby's temperament. Hunter slept just fine beside our bed in his bassinet. I could roll the thing into the living room and vacuum around him and he'd peacefully nap. He transitioned to a crib in his own room without protest at 3 months of age. Do I think it is ideal for babies to sleep alone, away from their parents, at this young age? No. But Hunter was pretty easy-going as a baby, and nobody really struggled. Enter Jules. She hated the bassinet and I was completely confused. Trying to make her sleep in it was an exercise in frustration, and we all had an easier time just bringing her into our bed. With Harley and Dylan we co-slept, knowing that there were benefits to this. Harley was in the Arm's Reach Co-sleeper beside our bed and Dylan has been nestled beside me almost from day 1.
6. Babywear and do not worry about spoiling your baby.
One of the biggest frustrations new parents face is the myriad of unsolicited and often unwise advice. After that, it's the fact that having a newborn makes it hard to get things done as they like to be held most of the time. Please hold your baby. A lot. They NEED human interaction, and they get lonely or bored and just want to cuddle sometimes. This is as much of a need as the need for food or a diaper change. If you have things you need to get done, which happens, we are all human and life outside of baby exists, wear him or her close to you in a wrap or sling. Here are The Cliff Notes of Babywearing.
7. Postpartum hormones are a bitch.
That is all. This is not explainable until you actually have the child, but do watch out for warning signs of PPD. There is help available, it does not mean you are anything but a loving parent. But do expect the tears to flow shortly after giving birth, even in the absence of PPD.
8. The best shower you will ever have in your entire life is the one you take right after giving birth.
9. Don't start solids too early.
Most importantly, don't put cereal in a bottle in hopes your baby will sleep through the night. This practice is dangerous as it is a choking hazard. Early introduction of solids is associated with increased risk of obesity, diabetes, food allergies and constipation. Babies are fine on breastmilk or formula the first 6 months of life, according to guidelines by both the AAP and WHO.
10. Be prepared to love your baby to the point that it's painful.
This may not happen right away, especially if you have PPD. And it's definitely more intense when those social smiles and coos begin. But mothering is crazy emotional. It's a "jump in front of a moving train for your kid without hesitation" kind of love that almost defies logic.
11. Last but not least, find an awesome group of like-minded mamas who will encourage you through this journey. This is a roller coaster ride, and it's a lot more fun with friends who are going through what you are on a daily basis!
It may not be easy, but I promise, it will be worth it. I may not love every moment with my children. Sometimes they frustrate the hell out of me. But I love my life. I love my family. And I wouldn't change a thing...
Seriously. When I had Hunter I had a huge baby shower. I am completely grateful for it, and we had a fabulous time, but the best part about it was the DVD my Aunt Linda made of us celebrating the impending arrival of my firstborn child. As far as gifts go, the fact that everyone brought a package of diapers for a raffle was pretty awesome too. But the wipes warmer, bottle warmer, 3 different types of swings, and nine million newborn sized outfits? Not so much. Your baby may grow quickly and wear those outfits once! Buy a variety of sizes. All you need is your bed, a baby carrier, some diapers and a car seat and you're good to go. If you breastfeed, you won't even need bottles and all the paraphernalia that goes with them. It's nice to have a baby swing, too, but not completely necessary.
2. If you bottle feed, do it topless.
Why on earth did none of the hospitals I delivered at tell me to do skin-to-skin with my babies? If you are bottle feeding, you can do so just as easily without your shirt on! This is easy and will help with bonding. Kangaroo care is done to help regulate the heart and respiration of preemies, so why wouldn't it help a full term infant? This is second nature if you are nursing, but seriously all moms (and dads!) can do skin-to-skin!
3. If you are breastfeeding, go into it with the idea that you WILL succeed.
If you go into it with the idea that you are "trying it out to see if it works" the free formula samples will be calling your name before your milk even comes in. You really owe it to yourself and your baby to be committed. Don't even keep those samples in the house "just in case". If you will be going back to work at some point, worry about purchasing bottles later. Be prepared that for a learning curve for both you and the baby, that things will likely be difficult the first 6 weeks or so, but that they will get better and it will be WORTH IT!
I have written about Dylan's and my saga in this post.
4. If the baby is pooping and peeing, he is getting enough milk.
Don't worry about the scale too much. What goes in must come out.
5. When it comes to sleep, do what works for your child as an individual.
Notice I did not say, do what works for YOU. Your baby does not know you prefer 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep. We never allowed any baby to cry-it-out. However, things are easier for all involved if you don't go against the grain of your baby's temperament. Hunter slept just fine beside our bed in his bassinet. I could roll the thing into the living room and vacuum around him and he'd peacefully nap. He transitioned to a crib in his own room without protest at 3 months of age. Do I think it is ideal for babies to sleep alone, away from their parents, at this young age? No. But Hunter was pretty easy-going as a baby, and nobody really struggled. Enter Jules. She hated the bassinet and I was completely confused. Trying to make her sleep in it was an exercise in frustration, and we all had an easier time just bringing her into our bed. With Harley and Dylan we co-slept, knowing that there were benefits to this. Harley was in the Arm's Reach Co-sleeper beside our bed and Dylan has been nestled beside me almost from day 1.
6. Babywear and do not worry about spoiling your baby.
One of the biggest frustrations new parents face is the myriad of unsolicited and often unwise advice. After that, it's the fact that having a newborn makes it hard to get things done as they like to be held most of the time. Please hold your baby. A lot. They NEED human interaction, and they get lonely or bored and just want to cuddle sometimes. This is as much of a need as the need for food or a diaper change. If you have things you need to get done, which happens, we are all human and life outside of baby exists, wear him or her close to you in a wrap or sling. Here are The Cliff Notes of Babywearing.
7. Postpartum hormones are a bitch.
That is all. This is not explainable until you actually have the child, but do watch out for warning signs of PPD. There is help available, it does not mean you are anything but a loving parent. But do expect the tears to flow shortly after giving birth, even in the absence of PPD.
8. The best shower you will ever have in your entire life is the one you take right after giving birth.
9. Don't start solids too early.
Most importantly, don't put cereal in a bottle in hopes your baby will sleep through the night. This practice is dangerous as it is a choking hazard. Early introduction of solids is associated with increased risk of obesity, diabetes, food allergies and constipation. Babies are fine on breastmilk or formula the first 6 months of life, according to guidelines by both the AAP and WHO.
10. Be prepared to love your baby to the point that it's painful.
This may not happen right away, especially if you have PPD. And it's definitely more intense when those social smiles and coos begin. But mothering is crazy emotional. It's a "jump in front of a moving train for your kid without hesitation" kind of love that almost defies logic.
11. Last but not least, find an awesome group of like-minded mamas who will encourage you through this journey. This is a roller coaster ride, and it's a lot more fun with friends who are going through what you are on a daily basis!
It may not be easy, but I promise, it will be worth it. I may not love every moment with my children. Sometimes they frustrate the hell out of me. But I love my life. I love my family. And I wouldn't change a thing...
The Cliff Notes on Babywearing
It's been a wonderful summer. We have made so many memories as a family. We have taken the kids to parks, beaches, splash pads, and lakes. We even took a tour of Lake Washington. It's crucial to do lots of outdoor stuff in the summer when you live in the Pacific Northwest. It's the only time we get any sunshine! And it's beautiful, with green trees, serene water, and for once, clear skies. Since the kids went back to school last week, I was flipping through our photos of the summer, and found another momento- Dylan's Beco Butterfly II baby carrier. I am wearing him while splashing in the water, wearing him while walking around the zoo, everywhere we went, I was toting my son. There were so many pictures of him and I babywearing, we could have been an advertisement for Beco!
So this is just intended as a general "getting started" guide to babywearing. It's a great way to get extra cuddles in with your baby while keeping your hands free. I have worn all of my kids, but more so with each baby that came along. This was out of necessity for sure, when you have four kids, and the baby is colicky and needs to be held a lot, you do what works. And babywearing works for us.
Let's start with options for a newborn. I have used the Moby wrap and Comfy Joey ring sling with my newborns. You can also nurse in these carriers, which is great when you are just getting the hang of breastfeeding and the thought of public nursing still makes you nervous. This is a solution to keep you from being tied to the house. Babies also love to be snuggled close to mama in this womb-like environment. Studies show that babies who are worn in this fashion cry less. Here's more about that and some additional benefits. There is a learning curve to tying a wrap, though. It's not difficult, and this video really helped me. I also recommend this video guide for nursing in one. What I also did with my youngest daughter is tie the wrap before going out. Then I'd remove her from her car seat and slip her in. This makes it easier because you're not tying a bunch of fabric in a parking lot! I have heard that the Sleepy Wrap or Baby K'tan is easier because you don't have to do the tying and the fabric stretches out less, but I have not tried these carriers.
Once baby has decent head support, I move on to a soft structured carrier. There are many options here, and I will mention that I am highly uncoordinated so the SSC is my favorite. I prefer one with buckles, such as my Beco, or the Ergo gets great reviews, too. Whatever carrier you use, it's important to have one that is ergonomic in design, both for the sake of baby's hips and your back. When the baby is big enough to have his or her legs out of the SSC, you want to make sure the knees are as high as the bottom. In short, don't use a crotch dangler, like the Baby Bjorn. They are very hard on your back and the babies legs just dangle. Forward facing positions are also impossible to do ergonomically. If your baby likes to look around, try a hip carry in a ring sling.
Our Beco is close to my heart. Dylan jumps up and down excitedly when he sees me putting it on. We're actually getting another one so Anthony can wear Harley, too. It's been an awesome summer....
Happy babywearing!
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Babies and Sleep. Tips and tricks!
There isn't any parenting magazine, book or forum where sleep isn't a hot topic. Let's face it- sleep deprivation is hard and most of us go through it to some degree in the first year of baby's life! So, not surprisingly, in mommy circles, the question is often, when will my baby sleep through the night and how do I survive in the meantime?
First, lets examine what we expect with a newborn. Babies have very tiny tummies. Also, if you are nursing, it's important to note that breastmilk digests in 90 minutes. This is a good thing though, I promise! It means that your milk is such a perfect food that baby can quickly digest it. When your baby is a newborn, you may feel they are attached to the boob 24/7, particularly during growth spurts. I highly recommend movies and Netflix for the first 6 weeks or so. Another thing that is happening here is the baby's frequent suckling is increasing your supply, also a worthwhile endeavor. Do not be tempted to put your newborn on a schedule. Feed on demand, even if you just nursed 15 minutes ago. Watch for early signs of hunger such as rooting or sucking on fingers. Crying is a late sign of hunger and many mothers find baby difficult to latch if he or she is very upset. Newborns wake up a lot, as they have no concept of time and they are usually genuinely hungry. Sleep training is not appropriate for a newborn. Remember this is a short time in your baby's life and things WILL get easier. You CAN do this in ways that do not involve Cry-It-Out. I wrote a post about the dangers of this method in The Ugly Side of Cry-It-Out.
Survival Tips
1. If you're nursing, I highly recommend co-sleeping. You can do this safely. I did have to sit up, position Dylan on the Boppy and latch him on for the first 10 weeks or so. After that we discovered and mastered side-lying nursing, which simply entails whipping out boob, feeding baby, and sleeping through the feed. Here is an excellent video tutorial. By this point the intestines are regulated and you won't need to change during the night. But sleeping with him cuddled against me did promote bonding. Babies who sleep next to their mother's, preferably skin-to-skin, nurse more frequently, gain weight more quickly, and this has a positive effect on supply. Mothers who breastfeed tend to sleep protectively of their newborn or baby. More information on the benefits of sleep sharing are listed here.
2. In the initial weeks, breastfed babies poop. A lot. Sometimes after every nursing, night and day. Don't fatigue yourself further by doing the middle of the night diaper changes. Have your partner change the baby and bring him or her to you to nurse. If you're bottle feeding, have your partner make a bottle and take turns feeding the baby.
3. Babywearing is awesome. Most babies will fall asleep in their carriers and you might even get something done while baby naps. I recommend a wrap like Moby or a ring sling like Comfy Joey for the newborn stage. You can even nurse in them! Soft structured carriers like the Beco Butterfly II (our personal favorite), Boba, or Ergo are great once they have decent head control.
4. Realize that you will be tired. My morning Starbucks run never impacted the baby. Relaxation exercises also help. Did I mention this is not a permanent state of being? By the time the kids are in college, you will sleep again.
Moving along. Your baby is now 3 months old, and still waking up at night. Everyone from the pediatrician to Aunt Mildred is asking if the baby is sleeping 12 hours a night yet. Here's the deal on that- some babies do, most do not. In fact sleeping 5 hours in a row is considered "sleeping through the night". Do not despair if you didn't luck out in the sleep department. Trying to get your baby to do something he or she is not ready for is an exercise in frustration for you both. Soon there will be teething, and some of your friends whose babies were awesome sleepers may begin waking at night again. It's not a contest. Sleep does, however, become more organized at this point. You'll probably notice more sleep in the night hours and more wakefulness during the day.
Survival Tips
1. Start a routine. Bath, stories, nurse, bed. I found that Dylan slept a long stretch from 6-10 pm. Then he'd nurse every 2 hours thereafter. Co-sleeping saved my a$$. I have felt very rested from about this point on.
2. Do not give your baby solid food in hopes they will sleep through the night. A 3 month old is not ready for solids, no health organization recommends this, and it doesn't work. Breast milk and formula are higher in calories and filling them up on solids will not help the situation. I understand your desperation though!
3. Sleep begats sleep. They will actually sleep better at night if they have napped sufficiently during the day. Sounds counterintuitive, yes, but it's really true.
4. Don't worry if your baby wants no part of self-soothing or being put down awake. If baby needs to nurse to sleep, fine. If he naps better in the swing, fine. Do what works. Again, I don't recommend sleep training, especially if it includes cry-it-out.
5. Don't forget the Starbucks! Seriously.
First, lets examine what we expect with a newborn. Babies have very tiny tummies. Also, if you are nursing, it's important to note that breastmilk digests in 90 minutes. This is a good thing though, I promise! It means that your milk is such a perfect food that baby can quickly digest it. When your baby is a newborn, you may feel they are attached to the boob 24/7, particularly during growth spurts. I highly recommend movies and Netflix for the first 6 weeks or so. Another thing that is happening here is the baby's frequent suckling is increasing your supply, also a worthwhile endeavor. Do not be tempted to put your newborn on a schedule. Feed on demand, even if you just nursed 15 minutes ago. Watch for early signs of hunger such as rooting or sucking on fingers. Crying is a late sign of hunger and many mothers find baby difficult to latch if he or she is very upset. Newborns wake up a lot, as they have no concept of time and they are usually genuinely hungry. Sleep training is not appropriate for a newborn. Remember this is a short time in your baby's life and things WILL get easier. You CAN do this in ways that do not involve Cry-It-Out. I wrote a post about the dangers of this method in The Ugly Side of Cry-It-Out.
Survival Tips
1. If you're nursing, I highly recommend co-sleeping. You can do this safely. I did have to sit up, position Dylan on the Boppy and latch him on for the first 10 weeks or so. After that we discovered and mastered side-lying nursing, which simply entails whipping out boob, feeding baby, and sleeping through the feed. Here is an excellent video tutorial. By this point the intestines are regulated and you won't need to change during the night. But sleeping with him cuddled against me did promote bonding. Babies who sleep next to their mother's, preferably skin-to-skin, nurse more frequently, gain weight more quickly, and this has a positive effect on supply. Mothers who breastfeed tend to sleep protectively of their newborn or baby. More information on the benefits of sleep sharing are listed here.
2. In the initial weeks, breastfed babies poop. A lot. Sometimes after every nursing, night and day. Don't fatigue yourself further by doing the middle of the night diaper changes. Have your partner change the baby and bring him or her to you to nurse. If you're bottle feeding, have your partner make a bottle and take turns feeding the baby.
3. Babywearing is awesome. Most babies will fall asleep in their carriers and you might even get something done while baby naps. I recommend a wrap like Moby or a ring sling like Comfy Joey for the newborn stage. You can even nurse in them! Soft structured carriers like the Beco Butterfly II (our personal favorite), Boba, or Ergo are great once they have decent head control.
4. Realize that you will be tired. My morning Starbucks run never impacted the baby. Relaxation exercises also help. Did I mention this is not a permanent state of being? By the time the kids are in college, you will sleep again.
Moving along. Your baby is now 3 months old, and still waking up at night. Everyone from the pediatrician to Aunt Mildred is asking if the baby is sleeping 12 hours a night yet. Here's the deal on that- some babies do, most do not. In fact sleeping 5 hours in a row is considered "sleeping through the night". Do not despair if you didn't luck out in the sleep department. Trying to get your baby to do something he or she is not ready for is an exercise in frustration for you both. Soon there will be teething, and some of your friends whose babies were awesome sleepers may begin waking at night again. It's not a contest. Sleep does, however, become more organized at this point. You'll probably notice more sleep in the night hours and more wakefulness during the day.
Survival Tips
1. Start a routine. Bath, stories, nurse, bed. I found that Dylan slept a long stretch from 6-10 pm. Then he'd nurse every 2 hours thereafter. Co-sleeping saved my a$$. I have felt very rested from about this point on.
2. Do not give your baby solid food in hopes they will sleep through the night. A 3 month old is not ready for solids, no health organization recommends this, and it doesn't work. Breast milk and formula are higher in calories and filling them up on solids will not help the situation. I understand your desperation though!
3. Sleep begats sleep. They will actually sleep better at night if they have napped sufficiently during the day. Sounds counterintuitive, yes, but it's really true.
4. Don't worry if your baby wants no part of self-soothing or being put down awake. If baby needs to nurse to sleep, fine. If he naps better in the swing, fine. Do what works. Again, I don't recommend sleep training, especially if it includes cry-it-out.
5. Don't forget the Starbucks! Seriously.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Motherhood and Feminism- Having it All
My whole life I have supported the idea that women and men should be equal partners in relationships, and more recently, parenthood. Sadly, according to statistics, whether a woman works outside the home or not, in a typical family, when it comes to housework and parenting women do more. It has also been intimated that if a woman breastfeeds, it increases her workload because obviously most if not all of the feeding is her responsibility. Formula, it appears, adds choice and freedom to women.
Let's examine this a bit more closely. First, I'll go into my experience, as I have done it both ways. And my son does not take bottles, so I have actually done every single feeding since he was born 7.5 months ago. My husband did help very much with middle of the night wakings for my other children. I am fortunate, though, as I expect nothing less than an equal partner when it comes to marriage and children. I do not consider a father staying home with his own kids to be "babysitting". I do not consider laundry and dishes "women's work". I do not think that a man's work solely consists of his job and bringing home an income. When Dylan was born, in fact, Anthony completely took over for the other 3 kids for the first month so that I could establish breastfeeding with the baby. In short, my only job for that first month was feeding Dylan.
I also did not at any point find formula "freeing", particularly at night. I totally understand if a mom is working, pumping and storing milk is very difficult. Keeping up supply is difficult. Avoiding nipple confusion and bottle preference is an issue. Total weaning sometimes happens despite everyone's best efforts. This is more a problem with inadequate maternity leave, particularly in the US, than it is with breastfeeding in itself, though. We have messed up priorities when it comes to the care of children here, but that is another post altogether. Anyway, cleaning and sterilizing bottles, getting up to prepare them, staying awake while feeding the baby, feeling somewhat detached and a bit resentful while doing so were all part of the experience of formula feeding for me. I happen to enjoy breastfeeding, and after the initial month of supply issues, mastitis and clogged ducts was resolved, I have found it much simpler than formula. Yes, I do need to have the baby in my presence most of the time. I do have to think for a moment when he was last nursed if I go out. But I have done that with my other children at this tender age for the most part too.
Breastfeeding is a more politically charged topic than you'd think. An awesome read that goes further in depth than I could ever on this blog is The Politics of Breastfeeding, by Gabrielle Palmer. Think about it this way- there is nothing on this earth that could potentially save more lives and more money (think 1.5 million babies and billions of dollars in healthcare costs) than if more women chose to breastfeed. This is the only act with a "bottom line" that is exclusively female.
Think deeper still. You know what is decidedly un-feminist? The fact that society has sexualized breasts to the extent that they are. The fact that feeding a baby with a boob is no longer normal on an unconscious level for most people. The porn industry. The fact that breasts have basically become a play thing for men who don't do housework or much for their children. It's an awesome feeling, being able to feed and nurture your baby with your own body. There is power in it.
Formula is not a symbol of freedom. Yes, it's good we have choices. But let's make it a truly informed choice. Do your research, you do what you feel is right in the end. But don't walk around with the illusion that those who choose to nurse are giving up their feminist ideals....we're not. Being a woman is hard, no matter how you feed the baby. And whether you breastfeed or not, make him change diapers. And do laundry. He may come out of it with a stronger bond with his family. Oh, and teach your son how to operate a washing machine. His wife will thank you someday.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
So it's no big surprise, by the title of my blog, that my son is breastfed. There is a journey and a story behind how a mom who formula-fed three children came to exclusively nurse her fourth...
I was told I could not breastfeed Hunter and Julianna by doctors because of some medication I take. This was almost 9 years ago, and what is known now regarding milk transfer of medications to mother's milk was not known at the time. A lactation consultant actually did recommend partial nursing and partial pumping and dumping, but she made it sound quite difficult and I didn't elect to go that route. With my 19 month old, Harley, I certainly could have exclusively breastfed, but I didn't research it properly so she was also formula fed.
Early in my pregnancy with baby Dylan, I had a dream. The dream was of the birth of my son, whom I didn't know yet was a boy, and the child began nursing right after the birth. Concurrently, I ran into the book Medications and Mother's Milk, by Tom Hale, and started researching my options. Finally, I saw a psychiatrist in Seattle who confirmed that I was able to fully breastfeed with a few adjustments to the meds I take.
Enter Dylan. The birth was long and difficult, including a cascade of interventions, such as Pitocin, an epidural, and IV fluids. I'm not saying that everyone should or can opt for a natural birth, or even that these interventions were not medically indicated in my situation. However, they can and do affect the initiation of breastfeeding.
That said, it is what it is. Dylan was initially a very enthusiastic nurser, despite being born at 37 weeks, which can also impact the baby's ability to nurse well in the early stages. But when my milk didn't come in by day 5, we began getting concerned. He had lost 12% of his birth weight and was not wetting enough diapers. Actually, at one point he had gone over 12 hours without a wet diaper, and we had to act. We began a regime of nurse/ supplement/ pump to build supply. I began taking domperidone to help my supply and I was shocked to have a full supply within 48 hours. My baby has been fully breastfed since 14 days old and we have not needed to supplement with formula since then.
All this to say, breastfeeding can be difficult, even in the best of circumstances, usually for the first month or so. I had a midwife tell me, "The first month to six weeks is harder than just giving the baby a bottle. Both mother and baby must learn how to nurse. But if you can make it through the early stages, it gets easier than bottle-feeding. It will be worth the struggle."
I took her advice to heart. We worked very hard to establish our nursing relationship. Everyone knows that breastfeeding has substantial health benefits. But the real benefit is in the mother/ child bond, for lack of a better word. I hesitate to use the word "bond" because I am certainly bonded to my other children. But nursing enhances the experience of mothering. It's not the only way, but it did cause me to bond with Dylan at an earlier age than my other kids. I could go on and on about how chubby my boy is from mama's milk, or how he has never been sick. But the real reason I am sold on nursing is almost completely from an emotional perspective. I just don't want you to miss out on this experience. It's something you will remember for a lifetime.
Also, this does not happen right off the bat. It can take a little bit to get past any difficulties you are having in the beginning. For me, once that happened, nursing my baby was absolutely beautiful. There is powerful emotion that goes with feeding and nurturing your baby with your own body. So when I go on about the benefits of breastfeeding, and I encourage mamas to keep trying, what I am really saying is "Don't quit 5 minutes before the miracle."
I was told I could not breastfeed Hunter and Julianna by doctors because of some medication I take. This was almost 9 years ago, and what is known now regarding milk transfer of medications to mother's milk was not known at the time. A lactation consultant actually did recommend partial nursing and partial pumping and dumping, but she made it sound quite difficult and I didn't elect to go that route. With my 19 month old, Harley, I certainly could have exclusively breastfed, but I didn't research it properly so she was also formula fed.
Early in my pregnancy with baby Dylan, I had a dream. The dream was of the birth of my son, whom I didn't know yet was a boy, and the child began nursing right after the birth. Concurrently, I ran into the book Medications and Mother's Milk, by Tom Hale, and started researching my options. Finally, I saw a psychiatrist in Seattle who confirmed that I was able to fully breastfeed with a few adjustments to the meds I take.
Enter Dylan. The birth was long and difficult, including a cascade of interventions, such as Pitocin, an epidural, and IV fluids. I'm not saying that everyone should or can opt for a natural birth, or even that these interventions were not medically indicated in my situation. However, they can and do affect the initiation of breastfeeding.
That said, it is what it is. Dylan was initially a very enthusiastic nurser, despite being born at 37 weeks, which can also impact the baby's ability to nurse well in the early stages. But when my milk didn't come in by day 5, we began getting concerned. He had lost 12% of his birth weight and was not wetting enough diapers. Actually, at one point he had gone over 12 hours without a wet diaper, and we had to act. We began a regime of nurse/ supplement/ pump to build supply. I began taking domperidone to help my supply and I was shocked to have a full supply within 48 hours. My baby has been fully breastfed since 14 days old and we have not needed to supplement with formula since then.
All this to say, breastfeeding can be difficult, even in the best of circumstances, usually for the first month or so. I had a midwife tell me, "The first month to six weeks is harder than just giving the baby a bottle. Both mother and baby must learn how to nurse. But if you can make it through the early stages, it gets easier than bottle-feeding. It will be worth the struggle."
I took her advice to heart. We worked very hard to establish our nursing relationship. Everyone knows that breastfeeding has substantial health benefits. But the real benefit is in the mother/ child bond, for lack of a better word. I hesitate to use the word "bond" because I am certainly bonded to my other children. But nursing enhances the experience of mothering. It's not the only way, but it did cause me to bond with Dylan at an earlier age than my other kids. I could go on and on about how chubby my boy is from mama's milk, or how he has never been sick. But the real reason I am sold on nursing is almost completely from an emotional perspective. I just don't want you to miss out on this experience. It's something you will remember for a lifetime.
Also, this does not happen right off the bat. It can take a little bit to get past any difficulties you are having in the beginning. For me, once that happened, nursing my baby was absolutely beautiful. There is powerful emotion that goes with feeding and nurturing your baby with your own body. So when I go on about the benefits of breastfeeding, and I encourage mamas to keep trying, what I am really saying is "Don't quit 5 minutes before the miracle."
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Intactivist Burning
Today I posted another intactivist link on Facebook, which not surprisingly elicited powerful emotions from many friends. But one comment in particular got me wondering why it is we as a culture, feel we must go so very far to avoid making parents feel guilty? Or judged? Or offended?
I don't think that genital integrity of children should be a parenting choice.
Yeah, there it is in black and white. I really feel THAT strongly. At some point, in this blog, I will feel compelled to link the youtube video of a child being circumcised that I saw some time ago that filled me with outrage. Not outrage towards parents, but outrage towards a society and a medical establishment that allows this to happen to babies. Outrage to a society that values its future so very little that the pain of a newborn is not important.
What kind of thinking does it take to arrive at the conclusion that since he isn't going to remember being cut, that makes it okay? By that logic, child abuse is also just fine as long as it is done at an age before long-term memory is formed. Since he's *just* a newborn, I guess strapping him down and cutting half his penis off will have no long-term effect. Well, other than the loss of his foreskin, which DOES have a function, or barring any complications.
Do we really believe that circumcision is not harmful? We believe it is harmful to girls. I think living in a "cut" society has an effect, certainly. A boy is cut by a doctor who was cut and therefore sees benefit to cutting and has no problem convincing the child's father, who is also cut. I get that, and I agree that this will take some time to undo. Because the reality is that while religious freedom is cited as a reason circumcision is legal- albeit the PARENT'S RELIGION- frankly most boys are not circumcised because of religion. The fact is parents have a myriad of other reasons....
The biggest problem faced by intactivists is that people cannot handle the truth. We can't even go on Facebook and post an informational link without coming across as offensive or making someone feel guilty. I am quite sorry, but I will not skew reality to avoid causing people guilt or making them question their choices. I will not stop fighting the fight for genital integrity for children who cannot speak for themselves. My words are not really intended for those who staunchly defend the ritual of amputating foreskins. They are simply intended for those who might be looking to make an informed choice, for those who may still be gathering facts, for those who are expecting a boy and intimidated by the "circumcision decision" and for those who may ever be expecting a boy.
Now, if you are pregnant with a boy, and you just assumed you would circumcise because that is just what people do, or because his father is, or because you heard it is cleaner, I leave you with this.....
Question circumcision.
Watch a video. If you can't handle watching it done, please do not have it done to your son.
I don't think that genital integrity of children should be a parenting choice.
Yeah, there it is in black and white. I really feel THAT strongly. At some point, in this blog, I will feel compelled to link the youtube video of a child being circumcised that I saw some time ago that filled me with outrage. Not outrage towards parents, but outrage towards a society and a medical establishment that allows this to happen to babies. Outrage to a society that values its future so very little that the pain of a newborn is not important.
What kind of thinking does it take to arrive at the conclusion that since he isn't going to remember being cut, that makes it okay? By that logic, child abuse is also just fine as long as it is done at an age before long-term memory is formed. Since he's *just* a newborn, I guess strapping him down and cutting half his penis off will have no long-term effect. Well, other than the loss of his foreskin, which DOES have a function, or barring any complications.
Do we really believe that circumcision is not harmful? We believe it is harmful to girls. I think living in a "cut" society has an effect, certainly. A boy is cut by a doctor who was cut and therefore sees benefit to cutting and has no problem convincing the child's father, who is also cut. I get that, and I agree that this will take some time to undo. Because the reality is that while religious freedom is cited as a reason circumcision is legal- albeit the PARENT'S RELIGION- frankly most boys are not circumcised because of religion. The fact is parents have a myriad of other reasons....
The biggest problem faced by intactivists is that people cannot handle the truth. We can't even go on Facebook and post an informational link without coming across as offensive or making someone feel guilty. I am quite sorry, but I will not skew reality to avoid causing people guilt or making them question their choices. I will not stop fighting the fight for genital integrity for children who cannot speak for themselves. My words are not really intended for those who staunchly defend the ritual of amputating foreskins. They are simply intended for those who might be looking to make an informed choice, for those who may still be gathering facts, for those who are expecting a boy and intimidated by the "circumcision decision" and for those who may ever be expecting a boy.
Now, if you are pregnant with a boy, and you just assumed you would circumcise because that is just what people do, or because his father is, or because you heard it is cleaner, I leave you with this.....
Question circumcision.
Watch a video. If you can't handle watching it done, please do not have it done to your son.
The Ugly Side of Cry-It-Out
So I'm a bit down on society right now, and that will reflect in my posts. You've been warned!
For example, there's Cry-it-Out (CIO). I cannot stand CIO. I've never resorted to this practice of leaving an infant alone, crying, in hopes that he or she would eventually stop. This article summarizes the dangers of CIO, but here are a few reasons why it would never work for me as a mother.
1. It's mean. I don't know when it happened exactly, but sometime in the generation where "children should be seen but not heard" someone decided that babies are not people, with genuine feelings. That as long as their diaper is clean and they are fed and not physically ill, it's ok to let them wail themselves to sleep. How would you like to be left alone, helpless and hysterical? And since when is it OK for adults to have emotions such as loneliness or boredom, but not OK for a little baby?
2. It threatens my attachment with my child. Forming a bond with a primary caregiver is vital in terms of human development, despite what Ferber or Babywise would have you believe. And in early childhood, attachment is formed by attentiveness and responding to your baby's needs. Crying is communication, not manipulation!
3. It's not natural. There is a reason why the sound of a baby- especially a newborn- crying is so distressing for adults. You were given the instinct to comfort your baby, mama. Use it! In non-western cultures they are shocked at how long it takes for us to respond to our babies.
4. It may be dangerous. Excessive cortisol is found in the brains of babies left to cry alone. Interestingly, less cortisol is found in babies who are crying in the arms of a parent, such as with colic. I have read comments on articles about CIO where parents casually mention that the baby cried till they threw up. This is obviously risky, and if you are leaving a baby to cry for that long and that hard, that is child abuse.
5. It does not foster independence, as some would have you believe. The opposite is true. Children will become independent in their own time. Expecting a little baby to be independent after spending 9 months cuddled in the womb is a bit ridiculous and completely counterintuitive.
So there you have it, the Cliff Notes on why I hate CIO. I have lots to say on this subject, but I'll end with this. Parenting is not always going to be convenient. When you're doing something as important as raising a human being, you gotta expect some hard work is going to be involved. There are lots of creative ways for everyone to get some sleep without resorting to CIO.
Stay tuned!
For example, there's Cry-it-Out (CIO). I cannot stand CIO. I've never resorted to this practice of leaving an infant alone, crying, in hopes that he or she would eventually stop. This article summarizes the dangers of CIO, but here are a few reasons why it would never work for me as a mother.
1. It's mean. I don't know when it happened exactly, but sometime in the generation where "children should be seen but not heard" someone decided that babies are not people, with genuine feelings. That as long as their diaper is clean and they are fed and not physically ill, it's ok to let them wail themselves to sleep. How would you like to be left alone, helpless and hysterical? And since when is it OK for adults to have emotions such as loneliness or boredom, but not OK for a little baby?
2. It threatens my attachment with my child. Forming a bond with a primary caregiver is vital in terms of human development, despite what Ferber or Babywise would have you believe. And in early childhood, attachment is formed by attentiveness and responding to your baby's needs. Crying is communication, not manipulation!
3. It's not natural. There is a reason why the sound of a baby- especially a newborn- crying is so distressing for adults. You were given the instinct to comfort your baby, mama. Use it! In non-western cultures they are shocked at how long it takes for us to respond to our babies.
4. It may be dangerous. Excessive cortisol is found in the brains of babies left to cry alone. Interestingly, less cortisol is found in babies who are crying in the arms of a parent, such as with colic. I have read comments on articles about CIO where parents casually mention that the baby cried till they threw up. This is obviously risky, and if you are leaving a baby to cry for that long and that hard, that is child abuse.
5. It does not foster independence, as some would have you believe. The opposite is true. Children will become independent in their own time. Expecting a little baby to be independent after spending 9 months cuddled in the womb is a bit ridiculous and completely counterintuitive.
So there you have it, the Cliff Notes on why I hate CIO. I have lots to say on this subject, but I'll end with this. Parenting is not always going to be convenient. When you're doing something as important as raising a human being, you gotta expect some hard work is going to be involved. There are lots of creative ways for everyone to get some sleep without resorting to CIO.
Stay tuned!
Monday, August 29, 2011
Parenting by Instinct
I have been reflecting a lot recently, on how I've grown as a parent with my youngest two children, and why that happened.
When I had Hunter, I was 26 years old. I consider that young, although I have mama friends who are much younger and more sure of themselves than I was in my twenties. Anyway, a lot of the way I parented was a polar opposite to what my instincts told me. And a lot of this "going against the grain" was because I was trying to do what was expected of me, I thought, from society. Babies, are supposed to sleep in cribs, I was told. So when *my* baby didn't like the crib, I spent hours rocking him to sleep, getting him to that stage of deep sleep where I could finally slide him in the crib, ever so slowly, and then he would wake up wailing. I repeated this process ad nauseam instead of just cuddling with the boy where we would have all gotten rest. I didn't *want* to have him circumcised, and even did some research indicating it was unnecessary and even cruel, but sadly I went ahead and allowed it to be done, because it was such a common medical procedure. And breastfeed? Well, I wanted to, certainly, but I did not question the doctors who advised I formula feed because of some medication I take.
Fast forward 8 years and 3 children....my second son is sleeping peacefully beside me as I type. I can hear the rhythm of his breath and smell his sweet baby smell and it comforts me. If he woke up right now, I'd slide beside him and offer the breast. He has never seen the inside of a crib, not that cribs are a bad thing, my toddler does just fine in hers, but sleeping without his cuddly body next to me doesn't feel right yet. Not at 7 months old. I know the joy of nursing a baby. I watched a circumcision video and knew I would not be signing those papers ever again. I have never left a baby to cry alone, because that NEVER felt right, despite what the sleep training advocates would have you believe, but for certain breastfeeding has given hearing my baby's cry a more visceral impression on me. When he was a newborn, my milk would let-down in response to his cries. I would also experience the discomfort of let down even before he demanded to be fed. Essentially, I knew he was hungry before he did. Nursing gave new meaning to attachment, and certainly new meaning to intuitive parenting. I have always enjoyed babywearing, even before it was popular in the US, but now the stroller is more for the stuff I have to lug around with this gaggle of kids than it is for the baby!
I enjoy ALL of my children more, now that I am parenting by instinct. I am by no means perfect, but I feel certain that by tending to my children's emotional needs while they are small, I will consequently raise kids with morals. While setting limits with my older kids is important, love and bonding is primary.
While I'm still not sure exactly what I want for the rest of my days on earth, I do know that this family, right here, right now, is what I am meant to do. This is what it's all about...
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